Don't Blame Me

Arelia Margarita Taveras is suing seven gambling casinos because she wagered and lost nearly $1 million. She is looking for a better return than she found at the blackjack tables, as she has socked them with a $20 million lawsuit.

She is not an ignorant hayseed. This writer, TV commentator and recently disbarred attorney, who admitted stealing funds from her clients’ escrow accounts, is claiming the casinos should have stopped her.

The casinos made the right decision. Can you imagine the size of her lawsuit if they had forbidden a Hispanic woman from entering and gambling on their premises? They would have been smeared as gender biased racists. You can bet the ACLU would have been drooling over the prospects of bringing that to court.

If her lawsuit is successful, my future will be filled with litigation. My first target will be the ocean resort where I received a painful sunburn. Its poolside, lounge chairs were entirely too comfortable.

And I don’t remember seeing a single warning about the danger of the sun’s radiation posted on the cocktail napkins. That should be worth a few million dollars and smacks of class action potential.

Chrysler made a big mistake when they sold me a vehicle with four wheel drive and all disc brakes. After carefully reading the Users Manual, I see a few more million dollars coming my way. They never warned me about stopping in front of a car with lesser capability.

Getting rear-ended at a red light by a car with rear-wheel drive on an icy road was definitely Chrysler’s fault. My neck is getting stiff just from the anticipation of this settlement.

I might end up owning The Home Depot. The company really left itself wide open to the big one when they sold me a riding lawn mower. The staff that loaded it on my trailer never mentioned how heavy it was. There were no complaints, no warnings and no consideration for my mental health.

I almost died of exhaustion getting it off the trailer without physical injury. The endeavor caused great mental distress. Had the associates complained about the weight, I wouldn’t have felt so inadequate.

There should be a big reward for the mental anguish and pain I endured after discovering I am not as young as I used to be. This may be a good time to sell your stock in the company. I can almost hear the surf breaking on my own Caribbean island.

Of course, I am considering the ultimate class action lawsuit. The litigation will be aimed at Personal Injury Attorneys. It’s still in the planning stages and there are a few glitches. Getting the names of the 300 million US citizens they have deliberately harmed is a bit of a task.

It will be worth the wait considering that about 30% of the cost of every product and service we buy just covers the manufacturers’ and service providers’ liability insurance. The first defendants on the list will be Arelia Margarita Taveras’ attorney and those suing McDonalds for their clients’ inability to put their forks down.