Government to the Rescue

It’s reassuring to know that the bureaucrats in our federal government are vigilant 24/7. Nothing gets by them. Their sense of duty and attention to detail is inspiring. The whole world must sit in awe as they watch these crack troops root out evil.

Just when you thought it was safe to venture out to buy Christmas presents, Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson, the U.S. Surgeon General of the United States, warned the public of a new danger—Santa Clause’s waistline.

He declared Santa Clause’s rotund shape makes him a bad role model for children. So keep your kids away from the malls, turn off your televisions and pray your children don’t get a glimpse of Saint Nick.

Who knew this symbol of parents’ love for their children, and kindness and generosity and sharing good will was setting a dangerous example? We should be thankful that this diabolical plot was exposed before our children were corrupted by a few moments of thoughtfulness.

And don’t get caught putting out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. The PC police will be watching for any infractions.

Donna Rheaume, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, recommends that children leave Santa “a nice apple or carrot and celery sticks.” How wonderful . . . . If reincarnation is possible, maybe Donna will get a life in the next round.

This spring we can expect the U.S. Attorney General to put the Easter Bunny on the FBI’s Most Wanted List for stealing eggs and putting candy in baskets. Anyone caught pandering to America’s sweet tooth should be reviled as pro-obesity.

Let’s hope there are stiff fines and jail sentences for such loathsome behavior. Certainly, bunny prisons are in order. Let’s get these candy scofflaws off the streets.

And beware of Thanksgiving. This celebration of the nation’s harvest condones eating desserts after a large meal. Certainly no one should be allowed to participate in such reckless behavior without a membership in a health club. And if the Surgeon General is serious about his mission to protect us, attendance should be verified.

Let’s be honest. It’s out of control. On Valentine’s Day, lovers give gifts of chocolate, and people drink beer on the Fourth of July. It’s a national disgrace.

So it makes us proud that the Surgeon General is all over this problem. Well . . . maybe not. But it does shed light on America’s sense of fair play. Having a measurable IQ is not a requirement for government bureaucrats. How Democratic of us.